Saturday, 20 May 2017

Becoming Jane Doe

So much has happened this year since my last post.  Most importantly, if not scarily, in early March the children's father walked out on us.  He withdrew all support and removed himself from the responsibility of being a husband and father outside of me attempting to encourage contact and him paying minimal child support.  

I have been left heartbroken.  

My world has fallen apart.  

The children are in shock.  

All our plans for the future have been piled up and lit on fire.  

I have not been able to articulate the events very well, nor our emotions.  

We (the children and I) are still pushing forward with homeschooling, training our wonder dog and moving to Adelaide to be closer to the children's therapists.  

Our eldest son has moved out of home, mostly due to some of the threats received from his dad regarding cutting off utilities he required for his university studies. He has severed all ties to his dad, which I hope and pray can be reversed one day.  I completely understand his choices.  he is an adult and has his own mind.  He has seen a lot over his almost 19 years on this earth and is finding it hard to forgive what he has seen.  I am blessed that he is standing by my side and becoming a wonderful young man with morals, ethics and capable to make his own decisions rationally and considering the affects on others around him.  It is going to be very hard to move away from him when the time comes for us to relocate to the big city.  

As for me and the other children, we exist.  I do my best to try and smooth over the rough edges and pain in our daily life.  It's not easy.  My counsellor and GP have had me contact further organisations to help support us through this time.  Actions made towards us have been determined to fall under the  heading of domestic violence.  DV is more than just bruises, cuts and physical assault.  Emotional, verbal and financial abuse can be difficult to prove.  However, I have proof.  It hurts to hear that I, and the children are being abused.  It hurts, but we will move on.  We can recover and I pray I can protect these young souls so they don't feel this pain as acutely as I do.  

What is going to happen in the future, I have no idea.  I need to retreat from life in general.  I need to heal.  I have deactivated my Facebook account and am withdrawing to try and find myself.  Work our way forward.  Become the real me.  I am more than a wife, more than a mother.  I am a human being who is intelligent, strong and deserves respect.  Until I discover just who I am I will be Jane Doe.  A blank canvas as such...  working to find out who I am and where the future will take me outside of being a busy mum to my beautiful family.  

So here I am, Jane Doe, signing off for now.  I don't know when I will be able to check in again.  I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, let alone the next few weeks, months or next year.. but I do hope that I am able to find myself again.  In the meantime, I am becoming Jane Doe in order to be able to find the real me.