It’s been creeping up for a while. Those nights of interrupted sleep, countless hours of settling children during the dark of the night. They’re not newborns anymore, but addressing their fears and need for comfort and security are just as important when dealing with children who have special needs.
Hour upon hour of missed sleep has added up. Compounded with Mr T deciding that once a week (sometimes more) he doesn’t need any sleep at all. Due to his high energy levels and inability to self regulate and make wise safety decisions we are unable to leave this little man to doze off in his own time. He can not be left alone at all whilst he is awake. So, mummy duty kicks in, and whilst he is awake, mummy is awake.
I have been able to push the exhaustion aside for quite some time. It’s become my normal. But for some reason lately it has hit me hard.
I can’t push through much longer.
It is a physical ache, not just feeling sleepy.
Every muscle aches.
I’m still trying to push through…
Miss A is currently threatening to pull an all-nighter this time. I don’t think she will be successful. She had a seizure not long ago, so I know she will crash soon… and crash hard.
Then, I will get some sleep… until I hear the cries of Toby around 2am. Like clockwork. Then I will be poked, prodded, kicked, pinched, scratched and thumped. Again, behaviour I have learned to tolerate. He knows no different. Pushing back on this behaviour achieves nothing in the small hours of the morning. He doesn’t mean to hurt me. He doesn’t mean to stay awake. His (and Miss A’s) brain simply functions differently to what we accept as “normal”. One day it will improve. In the meantime, it is exhausting, but I relish this time spent together. I am doing something right to have my children want to spend time with me. The constantly seek my support, guidance and protection. These are their signs of love and affection. It may not be what most people appreciate as a positive behaviour, but if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t call or seek me out.
A small mummy win.
Pushing through to find the positives in the exhaustion is tough, but we do it. We appreciate everything we can. You never know what the future holds, so relish the positives while you can.