…autism would be a word I had no idea of. It would be something that happened to other people, not my family. But wishes do not always come true. Life is rarely what we dream it to be and autism is something that we live in this family on a daily basis.
Yesterday was another red letter day for us in relation to autism and the children. Despite beating myself up and blaming all my youngest daughters reactions, behaviours and quirkiness on something I had done during her early childhood, the psychologist did not agree. No amount of mummy guilt was able to save my little girl from being my fourth child formally diagnosed with autism.
This diagnosis is not going to change our lives, as we already have interventions in place for my other children with ASD. It’s not going to come with any sudden cure for the screaming fits and violent outbursts she has when trying to get her dressed every morning. It’s not going to make her shoes feel comfortable on her little feet, or allow us to brush her hair (don’t even think about meeting brushing her teeth!!) but it will mean that we can get support to help her through these challenges and deal with the big confusing world out there.
Miss A has been recommended therapies in speech, occupational therapy and psychology. This will be fitted in around her already full schedules that deal with her medical care. She already has regular contact with neurology, paediatrician, genetics, gastroenterology, dieticians, immunology and endocrinology. What is a few more to add to this list? Oh, I will need to add ophthalmology to that list soon as well. So no, this diagnosis is not going to change much, but it will lead to support for the medical enigma which is Aerynn.
But… if wishes came true, I know what I would do… Wish this all away. Dream of a better day.
No pain, no confusion, no frustration, no tears, no meltdowns, no migraine, no seizures… only joy, happiness, smiles, a long and prosperous future where all dreams could come true….
We do the best we can. We hope, we pray, we dream… we work towards making sure she is safe, comfortable and as happy as possible. but still… if wishes came true… I wouldn’t be here typing this… I would be tucked up in my bed instead of snuggling my little girl on the couch, enjoying the warmth of her body and scent of her newly washed hair. I wouldn’t be pushing myself further and forcing me to be a better version of myself. If wishes came true life would not be the huge adventure it is at the moment. We wouldn’t have reasons to get out and live for today, because we would assume that there is nothing to take away our tomorrow… instead, we live knowing all too well that tomorrow is never promised.
So tell me, do I really want these wishes to come true? Is this life, despite it’s hardships, really the best life one could possibly have? I know we are lucky, things could be so much worse, we are blessed. Should I wish this existence away or embrace all it is teaching me and allowing me to experience?
If wishes came true…. What kind of person would that make me be?